A few days ago, I shared the step-by-step process I followed to call in my soulmate.
In it, I promised to write something for those of you already in relationships, who are wanting to deepen your connection and create a solid foundation of trust & mutual respect. That’s what this article is about.
But before I dive in, we’ve gotten few questions about whether we are offering relationship coaching – and that’s why we’re writing these articles?
The short answer is no. 🙂
(The slightly longer answer is that Gigi does occasionally work with couples 2:1 in VIP coaching experiences, and we teach communication skills in our Aliveness Mastery™ program that transform people’s relationships.)
However, these relationship-themed articles came out of a conversation we had recently about some of the biggest questions and challenges we hear on a regular basis from our clients and community – and outside of career/business, the #1 area we’ve heard about as a pain point is romantic relationships.
Since Gigi has been an international relationship & communication expert for decades, I had the benefit of learning these skills from a young age. But it wasn’t until I found ‘the One” that I got serious about applying them in my partnership.
Over the past 5 years I’ve been trying them on, testing them out, and finding what works for me.
(Which is exactly what we recommend you do. When you’re reading anything we share, don’t agree or disagree right away. Just try the ideas out for 30-60 days, and see what happens. If they work, keep going. If not, throw them away!)
The principle I’m about to share with you is the #1 reason Sunny & I have been able to create a relationship that is both deeply nourishing and truly empowering, 98% of the time.
(As I shared last week, we have our moments, just like anyone! But with this principle – and many other communication skills I’ve learned from Gigi along the way – we’ve managed to keep the unnecessary drama to 2% or less of our relationship.)
Are you ready?
Go ALL IN.
That’s it. That’s the principle!
Sounds simple, right?
Simple doesn’t mean easy though. In fact, we talk to countless couples who will admit when we ask that they aren’t truly ALL IN for their relationship. They might be 75% in, or even 90% in, but not 100%. Or maybe it’s more like 50/50 – one foot in, and one foot out.
And boy, have I been there…
Growing up, Gigi always told me, “Relationships can’t be 50/50. They have to be 100/100.”
I listened, but when it came to my first long-term relationship after college, it took me over two years before I realized… I wasn’t actually ALL IN.
This wasn’t because I didn’t love him. Quite the opposite in fact!
The truth is, I was scared to get hurt. I was worried that if I put it all on the line, that it wouldn’t work out and my heart would be broken.
When I realized this, I knew I had a choice to make. It wasn’t fair to me or him to stay in that kind of “limbo” for another two years (or longer!). So I decided to go for it. I stopped having one toe out the door, and I gave my whole heart.
And he didn’t.
Herein lies the most challenging part about going ALL IN… You can’t guarantee your partner will do the same. Which is super scary. But it’s also liberating.
Because it makes everything crystal clear.
When things ended with him a few months later, my heart was broken – but it was a clean break. I didn’t have to go back and forth and wonder if we could have worked it out. I was 100% clear.
I grieved for a few months, dated casually, and then the time came when I was ready to find ‘The One.” (If you missed our last email where I told that story, hit ‘reply’ and I’d be happy to forward it to you.)
The love of my life. The man of my dreams. Insert every corny thing you can say about a relationship here – that’s how I feel about him.
But it hasn’t all been daisies and sunshine (no pun intended). Though our relationship feels super easeful, we’ve been consciously creating a powerful partnership from Day 1.
… starting with ALL IN.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
We each made a conscious choice that we were ALL IN for our relationship.
That means each of us show up 100%. Not 50/50, or one foot out the door. Not even a pinky toe out the door! What this has created is a foundation of deep trust that only deepens with time. Every time we have conflict and neither of us wavers on our commitment (or worse, threatens to leave), it solidifies our foundation even more.
What this made possible for us is:
- We’ve been able to avoid a huge amount of unnecessary drama that takes place in relationships where there’s a constant push/pull dynamic.
- We’ve built enormous trust in each other and the relationship.
- This frees us up to simply enjoy each other’s company, love each other with our full hearts, and hold nothing back.
- It also frees up our time & attention to focus on other things – like building our businesses, making a positive impact on the world, and eventually, raising a family.
Let me be clear: This doesn’t have to be a “make or break” your relationship conversation.
If you’re going to broach the subject of being ALL IN, it’s important you come in with zero expectations. Instead, share that you’ve realized you haven’t been ALL IN – and that you intend to shift that. Then do it. And give it some time to see how things play out.
In my previous relationship, I went ALL IN even though I knew on some level he wasn’t. But I still had to give it a chance – and give him a chance to change his mind. When that didn’t happen, things naturally ran their course. (I didn’t have to force the issue or create some huge drama around it.)
If you pressure your partner, or make them feel bad for not doing something, that’s a surefire way to end the relationship before its time. You can only take responsibility for your 100%. Meet them with love, have lots of fun together, and time will give you the answer you’re looking for.